My heart goes out to bachelorettes Bianka, Jessica, Laura B., Mindy and Tia.
Like all of Canada, I was on tenterhooks, going mental with anticipation as the final group of bachelorettes – those comely ladies attempting to win the abiding affection of Brad (Brad) Smith, the first Canadian Bachelor – were introduced.
Bianka, Jessica, Laura B., Mindy and Tia join 20 other bachelorettes vying, all aflutter no doubt, for the hand of 29-year-old Brad (Brad) Smith. This great country was combed high and low, north and south, east and west for the cream of Canadian single ladies who might, just might, interest his Brad-ness. (Rumours that raw, red meat was dragged through the hills and valleys of certain areas to attract potential bachelorettes from their lairs are just that – rumours.) Now, the lucky two dozen plus one are named and those names are certain to live in the annals of Canadian fame.
The Bachelor Canada (Oct. 3, CITY-TV, 9 p.m.) is not merely hotly anticipated. In the genres of romance and manly-men-without-their-shirts, it is a mega-event of totally epic proportions. Those who note that the show will air at the same time as the U.S. presidential debate and that this fact means there is no competing original programs from the U.S. networks are just haters. And haters have no fun.
Everybody just chill. Even the haters. Here it comes, Canada: high jinks in the hot tub and hearts broken. In particular, my thoughts are with Bianka, 28, a high-school nurse from Mississauga. As Brad (Brad) Smith has made crystal clear, he, the former Canadian Football League wide receiver and now "free agent," has no truck with persons of the female persuasion who are "high-maintenance." He totally said, "Someone who is high-maintenance turns me off!" And Bianka, bless her comeliness, has a past. She had a "high-profile relationship" (as CITY-TV describes it) with National Basketball Association player Kris Humphries. Yes, that Kris Humphries – Kim Kardashian's husband of 72 days. If that is totally not a warning sign of a maintenance issue, I don't know what is.
And let's face it: In his search for a not-high-maintenance lady friend, Brad (Brad) Smith is on a voyage of discovery. He is like an explorer in search of new lands and new ways. He is the Lord Franklin of the lonely, the Jacques Cartier of the singles scene. His journey – bracing and inspirational to everyone but the haters – through 25 bachelorettes is a noble cause and he totally deserves those hot tub pit stops.
To know Brad (Brad) Smith is to, well, totally know him. I can tell you that his favourite movie is Romeo + Juliet, the music-filled version starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. His favourite food recipe is for Soy Ginger Seared Ahi Tuna and Pickled Cucumbers. His favourite songs are To Build a Home by the Cinematic Orchestra featuring Patrick Watson, Soldier On and Sweet Disposition by the Temper Trap, Fix You by Coldplay and Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. I know this because CITY-TV told me so in a package of info that came last week. Along with a personal note that said, "It's time to stop playing the field and fall in love." Oddly, it is signed Brad, not Brad (Brad) Smith.
Now, obviously only the most elite of single Canadian ladies has been picked to possibly hot tub it with Brad (Brad) Smith. Just look at their occupations. A casual glance at the bachelorettes, going alphabetically, illuminates everything. There is Amber (age: 29l; occupation: strip club server.) There is Ana (age: 26; cccupation: server.) And there is the amazingness that is Chantelle (age: 25; occupation: pastor.) Yep, she's a pastor. There are other things to note about Chantelle. Her favourite foods are: 1. grapes; 2. dill pickles; 3. Starbucks coffee. Of herself, Pastor Chantelle says, "People often think I come across as fake, but my happiness and joy are real." So there, haters, she's a pastor with a thing for grapes, pickles and coffee. Does that not make her hot tub worthy?
There are also a Playboy model, a real-estate agent nicknamed Bubba and a photo-lab manager who wants "a change in career to become an embalmer/funeral director." Phew.
Only the bitter, the bigoted and curmudgeons could be haters of The Bachelor Canada. Oh, I know what the haters are asking right now. They're asking if there's a red-haired bachelorette. Why? Because as the Boss himself, Bruce Springsteen, reminded us: "It takes a red-headed woman/ To get a dirty job done."
Well, go back to high school, haters. This is Canada, this is The Bachelor Canada and it's hot tub time.
All times ET. Check local listings.