As citizens of the People's Republic of Globe Readers (PROGR) will know, this column takes the view that Canada is a wonderfully wacky little country.
Oh certainly, it's big -- sea-to-sea-to-sea -- but it's small, really. Small, sweet and endearingly goofy.
In other places, hordes of angry men are holding demonstrations, burning down embassies and issuing dire threats of bloodshed. Already, many have died in these demonstrations which protest a series of editorial cartoons in a little Danish paper. It is the way of the world, these days.
Not around here. In this neck of woods, we have the cutest little controversies.
Down East, where the humour usually flows, right now certain persons are so mad they could spit. Why? Because the Trailer Park Boys have been engaged to host the East Coast Music Awards, that's why. As some people see it, the use of unemployed, foul-mouthed, hard-drinking, dope-smoking trailer-park dwellers as hosts of the ECMAs is an offence to the good people of our Maritime provinces. It is an insult to music lovers and East Coasters in general, is the gist of the complaints.
There have been no riots. Effigies of Ricky, Julian and Bubbles have not been burned during angry demonstrations. Trailer parks have not been torched. However, letters to the editor have been composed, mailed and published. It is a very Canadian kind of high dudgeon.
Mind you, when the ECMAs actually take place, live on CBC this coming Monday, all hell could break loose. I can see it now. Earnest, bearded men in kilts will assault the Boys with fiddles and bows, livid at the suggestion that petty thieves from some trailer park are considered representative of their music, their region and their culture. Should these unfortunate events transpire, it is possible that Ricky, Julian and Bubbles will be too stoned to defend themselves. But drinks will be spilled. Somebody could get poked in the eye. It could be a massacre. If Natalie MacMaster gets involved -- and we all know how she wields a fiddler's bow -- it will be totally insane. There will be a video for sale eventually called Girl Fiddlers Gone Wild. In anticipation of this must-see moment in Canadian television, I will be glued to the broadcast. I suggest you do the same.
The core of the controversy is as clear as a foggy St. John's morning. But I suspect it is this: On Trailer Park Boys, the residents of Sunnyvale have gone about their business of drinking, thieving and smoking dope, but the sound of aye-tiddly-aye music is never heard. Not is there the sound of somebody singing an appallingly sentimental, self-pitying ballad about the terrible bad fortune that has been inflicted upon the decent people of the East Coast, people who are, as we all know, the most Gaelic of all the Gaels.
Oh, I know that Rita McNeil was once on Trailer Park Boys. But on that occasion she was inveigled into harvesting marijuana plants. Obviously, there oughta be a law.
It is also a matter of jealousy, I would speculate. The Boys have appeared in a video for the Tragically Hip. They are tight with Rush. They're uppity fellas for trailer-park trash.
In conclusion, I say (because as a Globe and Mail columnist I can do that) to the complainers down East: Embrace your inner trailer trash. Write an aye-tiddly-aye tune about it. You'll feel better.
Citizens of PROGR know that I'm right. Last year, a citizen of PROGR wrote a letter to the editor on the subject of Trailer Park Boys. His conclusion was this: "Indeed, the boys show the same wholesome blend of insouciance and humanity as a country that plays with the idea of a hockey commentator as its greatest citizen, then at the end of the day selects a champion of public health care. We are the Park, and the Park is us."
Still, should the complainers Down East wish to continue with their indignation, I also have a suggestion. Up here in Toronto, there are numerous taverns where people from Down East gather. I have been to several. I can report that on occasion there is excessive drinking, swearing and general tomfoolery. On at least one occasion the sweet smell in the air outside suggested to me that some of the denizens had stepped out the door to smoke dope. So bring your protests down here. Bring your kilts, fiddles and bows. But for heaven's sake, don't burn the places down. This is Canada.
And if my Canada includes Down East, your Canada should include the Trailer Park Boys.
Survivor: Panama -- Exile Island (CBS, Global, 8 p.m.) continues apace and, it seems, some of you are watching avidly. Me, I have to say that I was sad to see Misty go. I was shocked when Terry said of her, "She's an engineer. She's smart as hell and she could cause some trouble." The point, of course, is that smart, attractive women are very threatening in the world that is the Survivor fantasy and the workplace reality it expertly mirrors. Misty hit the glass ceiling.
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