Prisoners working in prison.Photos.com/Getty Images
It seemed life couldn't get much crueller for inmates in federal penitentiaries after they banned smoking. I mean, how many hours of The View can a person watch without the comforting crutch of nicotine?
But now, it seems, the government is intent on whittling away the few pleasures left to those stuck in the Big House. It's odd that cranking up the misery of the incarcerated few continues to be more of a governmental preoccupation than increasing the happiness of the majority at liberty, but hey, it's not like they haven't listened with open ears to all manner of criticism.
The omnibus crime bill that's being pushed through just in time for Christmas contains many gifts for offenders, including tougher sentences and a provision that would see segregated prisoners barred from having visitors as a method of punishment. "They shall not be able to see any friend or relation, or to send or receive any letter more than once in the course of six months" reads the bill – no, wait. That's from the regulations of Bedford Gaol in England in 1841. My mistake!
It was quite surprising to read that the new regulations are intended to "modernize the system of discipline in federal penitentiaries," according to Public Safety Minister Vic Toews. This, clearly, is looking in the wrong direction. Why modernize when all the answers to the proper treatment of prisoners can be found in the penal system's glorious past? If anything, the Conservatives haven't gone nearly far enough. I'm sure they've considered reinstating some of the following:
Transportation: This worked exceedingly well for the British, if you ignore the fact that they managed to seed, from a crop of criminals, an entire populace that was taller, better-looking, and more talented at cricket than they were. Why would this not work for Canadian criminals? With our military commitments winding down, surely a ship or two could be found to transport various pot dealers, fraudsters and tax-evaders to some inhospitable climate – say, the South Pole? The only downside would be that in a few generations, we'd be forced to watch an all-singing, all-dancing epic film about the journey, called Antarctica! At least it won't star Nicole Kidman.
The return of debtors' prison: Claire Tomalin's new biography of Charles Dickens reveals how deeply his father's time in Marshalsea debtors' prison shaped the young Dickens's worldview and influenced his writing. "All these experiences – of debt, fear, angry creditors, bailiffs, pawnbrokers, prison, living in freezing empty rooms and managing on what can be borrowed or begged – were impressed on his mind and used again and again in his stories and novels, sometimes grimly, sometimes with humour." See, prisons can have ameliorating effects: Crush a boy's soul early on and you might just produce a genius writer. From great adversity comes great art. Has no one seen Con Air?
The crank and the treadmill: In these particular punishments, inmates performed monotonous, backbreaking tasks often for hours on end and to no purpose, a bit like Battle of the Blades. The senselessness of this treatment distressed some prison reformers, but they were obviously pinkos.
Bringing back the crank and the treadmill would kill two birds with one stone (and might even kill a prisoner, so three birds.) It would ensure that inmates were stationary and therefore easy to guard, and it would reduce cholesterol levels. So you'd be cutting down on health-care spending, too. Four birds.
The silent program: Another crushing punishment, in which prisoners weren't allowed to speak to each other or to anyone outside. This would really only apply to Conrad Black, but might still be worth considering.
Learning from like-minded countries: If the Conservatives are determined to impose stricter sentences on young offenders, they should humbly seek the example of the British government, which has developed a grand passion for incarcerating children. The number of under-18s in prison rose by 8 per cent after the summer riots, thanks largely to harsh sentences on kids who'd set fires in garbage cans or snatched ugly running shoes from department stores. (Of course, the UK prison watchdog had to go ruin the party by saying that the influx of inmates was making gang activity worse on the inside, but let's just ignore him. Spoilsport.) Then there's the British government's costly and ongoing battle to keep prisoners from voting in elections, in contravention of EU rulings. Millions were spent to keep thousands from voting, which makes me a bit worried about the math skills of the men controlling the budget.
But then, as the governments of both countries know, you can't put a value on a "tough on crime" headline. It is, to quote the great MasterCard ads, priceless.