Wright's stand-up delivers on deadpan one-liners

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There's the perception that Steven Wright, like a supermarket cashier, works one line at a time. That not entirely accurate, though. At Toronto's Convocation Hall on Saturday evening (the first of two nights) the surrealist stand-up comic at times delivered his offbeat observations in the form of acoustic songs and fanciful anecdotes (often involving flabbergasted police officers) in addition to his deadpan standalone mind-zappers.

But it is his one-liners for which the U.S. comedic legend is celebrated. The following are a sample of the best we heard at Convocation Hall, where his routine used much of the same material captured on his DVD Steven Wright: When The Leaves Blow Away, recorded at Toronto's Elgin Theatre in 2006.

Questions What did Jesus do for Santa Claus, on his birthday? What's the youngest you can die of old age? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it that song?

A propos of nothing Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia. The universe is expanding. It should help ease the traffic. A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't for first place.

Think about it If heat rises, then heaven might be hotter than hell. You never see any Indian midgets. Hermits have no peer pressure.

Just plain funny A friend of mine tried voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go to him. You're just walking down the street, and you're like "Oh, that's much better." One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids. Then he said to us, "Now, you two share." I like to confuse strangers. When they ask me what time it is, I say "No, I'm not from around here."

Arresting humour I was once arrested for resisting arrest. "You're under arrest." "No I'm not." "You're under arrest." I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Imagine that Imagine what cell phones would look like if our ears weren't so close to our mouth. Imagine the reading of God's will. "And the oceans go to Phil."

Exit lines I just remembered, my mother told me never to talk to strangers. [Leaves stage.]br/> [Upon returning]I'm insane. You think it's a show.