My keyless car fob is like a friend with a gambling problem: not terribly reliable, but anytime it works I'm really surprised and grateful. What I'm trying to say is, I hate my car key fob. I hate the red button that says, "panic" – as if I need any prompting – and I hate the symbol that shows an old-fashioned lock unlocking and I hate the symbol that shows a locked lock.
I hate my fob so much that, if it were a human being, I'd try to have it convicted of mental cruelty and given a mandatory life sentence of actually unlocking cars when people press the unlock button.
I've already spent $250 replacing my fob. I do not wake up in the middle of the night haunted by this fact. I do not awaken haunted by this fact because I can't fall asleep because I am so angry that I have already spent $250 replacing the hellish device and may have to do so again.
As I write this, I am staring at my fob and the only thought that keeps running through my head is, "There is a hammer in the basement."
My wife's fob has stopped working entirely. To open the door, she must unsheathe the old-fashioned key from the fob case. The key's success rate is 100 per cent.
Keyless car fobs are like frozen yogurt. Nobody asked anyone to invent them. If someone said to you, "Hey, guess what, we can freeze yogurt and make it taste like a lame version of ice cream," you'd have said, "No thanks, we already have ice cream."
I've searched the Internet and libraries and burrowed into ancient medieval scrolls and Roman papyrus. Nowhere have I found evidence of anyone ever saying, "You know, these key things are really inconvenient."
North Americans complain a lot. Amazingly, there is no record of anyone complaining about reaching into their pocket, getting a car key and then placing that key in a lock.
I know other people with keyless car fobs that work. I envy them. Many of them drive luxury vehicles. Maybe that's it. Maybe my fob is looking out for me. It knows I'm trying to open a Dodge Grand Caravan. Maybe never working when I need it to is just its way of saying, "Do you really want to get into that thing? Really? Tell you what, Andrew. I'll open, but only if you drive directly to the Fiat dealership."
Did you know that crooks can steal your car using its key fob? According to WCVB in Boston, "thieves attach a special device to the underside of the car that copies the information. The thieves can then use that information to copy the fob and steal the vehicle." That's our friend the keyless car fob, always there to lend a hand.
Soon we'll be able to use our smartphones to open our cars. I have mixed feelings about this. Still, it would have to be better than the keyless car fob. Then again, there may be other more advanced ways to open our vehicles.
I would like a car that I could open with my voice, but then I recall how my phone's voice recognition interprets my commands already. I can imagine saying, "Open up" and my car replying, "There is a restaurant nearby called 'Token Duck' – would you like me to call it?" If I could choose my own password, I'd be willing to risk it. I like the idea of opening my car by saying, "Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance."
Thanks for reading. Now I have to go stand beside my car and click the fob pointlessly for a few hours.
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Andrew Clark