Anyone who has ever suffered from a serious illness probably knows the frustration of getting a “get well” card. How is anyone supposed to respond to that? What was meant as a nice gesture only highlights the chasm of pain and uncertainty you were hoping to bridge.
Emily McDowell, a Los Angeles-based designer, got “that” card when she was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma. But the worst cards were the ones that made bad jokes. The card industry is as inept at communicating our feelings in difficult situations as the rest of us. We fumble for the right words.
“The irony of it is, when you are sick or when you’ve experienced a loss, it’s the time when you really need people to reach out the most, and it’s the time when people don’t know what to say the most,” McDowell says.
On Sunday, McDowell launched a series of Empathy Cards to be given to people who have a serious illness. They are the kind of cards she wished she had received from friends and loved ones.
“Most of the cancer cards that exist are either very sympathy-driven or a joke about getting free breast implants,” McDowell says. “There’s very little out there that speaks honestly to people who are going through this kind of thing.”
The eight cards in the collection have a mix of humour and sincerity.
“I’m really sorry I haven’t been in touch. I didn’t know what to say,” one says. “I promise never to refer to your illness as a ‘journey.’ Unless someone takes you on a cruise,” reads another.
Cringe-inducing cards weren’t the hardest part of being sick, McDowell wrote in a recent post announcing the new collection of cards.
“The most difficult part of my illness wasn’t losing my hair, or being erroneously called ‘sir’ by Starbucks baristas, or sickness from chemo. It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realizing it,” she wrote.
People are often at a loss for what to say when a friend or loved one has a serious illness, says Gary Rodin, head of the department of supportive care at the Princess Margaret Cancer Centre, in Toronto.
“These cards might be a vehicle to open up a conversation,” he says.
Cards that say “get well soon” or try to make light of a disease are often grating because they ignore the realities of an illness and its treatment.
“Just engaging in an open, honest way with people is probably what’s most important,” Dr. Rodin says.
McDowell, who has been cancer-free for 14 years, understands that many people are uncomfortable talking about or dealing with disease.
“Culturally, we just don’t do a very good job of teaching people how to be present for suffering or illness,” she says. The goal of her new collection is “to help people connect with each other through truth and insight,” she explained online.
And yes, that can include laughter.