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'I'm sorry, Eric, but there is nothing we can do for you." Sharp pain and anger grew in my chest as I stared across the large wooden desk. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Are you going to be okay? Let me know if I can do anything." The words of the associate dean were meaningless, a performance dictated by institutional etiquette.
"You mean I have to drop out of law school, in my third year?" Absurd, a comedy. I wanted to laugh and cry.
"We can make arrangements so that you can take an academic leave of absence for up to two years."
It sounded like I would be planning the funeral of my academic career. As I walked away from the student service offices at the University of Ottawa, I felt I had reached the end of a long journey – a journey around an oval track, carrying a boulder on my back. The boulder was poverty, and its grinding physical and psychological strain had finally brought me to my knees.
The university shrugged its shoulders as the "hard work equals success" myth dissolved in front of me. Don't come to law school if you are poor, was the message. Don't try to become a lawyer if you are poor.
I was dropping out because I couldn't afford to continue. Tuition for the year was $15,000 and the government's cap on student loans for me was $12,000. I was denied a line of credit by five commercial banks because I had a low credit score and no one to co-sign. I had no one to co-sign because my mother made $19,000 last year.
What is it to be "poor"? For me it was being raised by a single mother on disability; public housing; the food bank; parcels from the Salvation Army at Christmas; seeing my brother stabbed nearly to death, police take my mother to a psychiatric hospital and Children's Aid take my four-year-old niece. And not being able to do anything about any of this.
What does poverty look like? There's the day to day: You open the fridge and there's a mustard or mayo sandwich for dinner. Then the month to month: You wait for your bus, are buzzed like cattle into an Ontario Works cubicle to get your cheque, hang your head as a smiling volunteer hands you a box of food. You carry your box home on the bus, wearily eyeing the canned string beans and cranberry jelly from someone's Thanksgiving.
You can use these images to tell a story, but what does poverty feel like? Usually it starts with anger. You are angry at yourself, your family, and the indifferent forces that eventually grind you down. You push against these feelings because you don't have the luxury – you have to keep on. You feel vulnerable. You teeter between risks not taken because the difference between failure and success is homelessness. Or you take stupid risks because you have nothing to lose.
I learned early on that anger and envy will paralyze you. You need to deal with it somehow. My mother had prayer and Jesus Christ; my brother turned to drugs. I did what I was told and became what is known as a member of the "respectable poor." To be in this group you study hard, stay out of trouble, respect your scummy restaurant bosses and borrow on your Visa card at 25 per cent interest. Most importantly, you buy into the myth "where there's a will there's a way."
My generation has reluctantly accepted the myth amid "austerity" and a new type of poverty. We're entering the work force just as employers, governments and unions are hedging themselves against falling pensions, benefits, pay and jobs. Two years ago we said "enough" and occupied parks across the world. Our neighbours eventually got annoyed and gave police and politicians the nod to push us back to our Starbucks jobs, where we exist between the dreams of our parents, our useless degrees and the reality of minimum-wage jobs. We make your lattes to the tune of our own contempt.
For those who have made it out of this youth unemployment crisis, there is a sense you are either lucky or connected. We also feed the myth. We need it. Why else would we borrow $50,000 for an education?
Meanwhile, school administrators, politicians, employers and bureaucrats prune away to make that education inaccessible. The law school adds an extra box to a scholarship application that puts it out of reach, or raises tuition another $1,000.
I faced a phalanx of administrators at the University of Ottawa, each pushing me along with a version of "No, we can't help you until you pay your tuition." When I got to the top of the authority chain I felt like I was meeting the all-powerful Wizard of Oz. But unlike the wizard, the associate deans weren't incompetent – they just didn't care. I gave them a short story of my life and current circumstances and they told me my only recourse was to apply for an "emergency bursary." But since my financial hardship was "foreseen" I didn't qualify.
I am by far not the only one who's faced this crisis. Since I opened up to my peers, many have told me they are in the same boat. This is why there are so few working-class lawyers.
Fortunately for me, my own story has a happy ending. This summer, when I'd accepted I would have to drop out, a friend offered to co-sign a loan. Knowing I would graduate on time meant I could apply for articling positions, which led to an offer that I hope will be my one-way ticket out of poverty. I know I got lucky.
Eric C. Girard lives in Ottawa.