Use your words! How to communicate during a child’s nuclear meltdown

Examining the things that every parent of a young child has said in moments of extreme frustration, and why experts say you should stop yourself short the next time.

My daughter needs my immediate attention and because I don't give it to her, it's nuclear-meltdown time.

Why does her jaw open so wide, as if she's racked in agony over a minor issue? Why does her frustration manifest as running on the spot? Why, most importantly, can't she just bloody well articulate the problem?

The stomping and screaming become my frustration, which manifests itself in three syllables familiar to any parent: "Use your words!" (Just once I'd like a kid to stop, hold their chin ponderously for a moment, and then say, "Well, you see, the problem began when … " But that never happens.)

"Use your words" can be a perfectly reasonable thing to say to children who are learning to speak and pointing and grunting at some object they want, says Julie Freedman Smith, co-founder of Parenting Power, a Calgary-based family-coaching company.

"It's not a perfectly reasonable sentence when what you're saying is, 'Stop yelling at me,'" she says.

"Once somebody is in an emotional state the logic part of their brain shuts down."

All you're basically saying to a kid who's having a meltdown is, "Stop being emotional and be rational." Which, well, good luck with that.

Instead, Freedman Smith says, take a deep breath and say to the child, "Wow, you really want my attention. You're really upset about this. … Typically, when we name what a child is feeling and agree with them, they don't need to keep screaming at us."

As I remind myself in cooler moments, five-year-olds can't be expected to behave like rational adults at all times, and it certainly isn't helpful to dismiss their meltdowns because they seem so baseless. That only makes the problem at hand worse.

"It's when they're upset about something and we tell them they don't really have a right to be upset, or it's not really a big deal, and we devalue their emotions, then they will just continue to tell us in a bigger and uglier fashion how they feel," Freedman Smith says.

Be patient and acknowledge a kid's feelings, she says. Then you'll both be able to calm down and use your words.