The question
Is it wrong or unfair for me to bristle somewhat at requests for charity? One friend in particular is always extending invitations to events having to do with various good causes, or asking me to "sponsor" her for charitable events. I am divorced, not rich and have always struggled to make ends meet for myself and my children, whereas she has always been well off and has not worked since she was in her 20s. I feel guilty if I turn her down, but it's starting to seem as if I keep going to all these charity events, I am going to be in need of charity myself. Is there a polite way to turn down these requests, or should I just bite the bullet and say yes to everything? The problem is, I'm worried it could lead to me resenting her over time.
The answer
I hear you. I used to have that guilty Canadian reflex when someone asks you for something having to do with a worthy cause, you toss and turn until you finally say yes.
Then I lived in New York for a while. There, (at least in my era) you get hit for dough two or three times a city block – and I walked about 20 blocks to work. Point is: I developed a bit of a crust (i.e. became a tightfisted tightwad). Now, when people come to my door, clipboard in hand, it goes like this:
Doorbell: "Ding-dong!"
Dog: "Woof woof!"
Me (opening door): "Hi, I'm making dinner but anyway I should warn you right off the bat: You're wasting your time. There is absolutely no way you will ever get a cent out of me."
Earnest, clipboard-toting canvasser: "I understand, sir, but I want to ask: Are you concerned about the rapid melting of the polar ice caps?"
Me: "Yes. Good night and good luck."
And I shut the door.
And when people I know ask me to shell out more serious coin for a worthy cause, I'm as likely to feel annoyed as guilty – or, usually, a mixture of the two. It's always the wealthiest people. They want to "give back." So give back: Why does it mean picking my pocket?
And no matter how much you cough up, when you get to the event, that's where the shakedown begins. Then it's "silent auction" time. "Hey, Dave, how much are you going to bid for professional cooking lessons? Five hundred? A thousand?"
It's enough to drive a man to drink.
So you go to the liquor store and the guy ringing up the purchase says: "Would you like to donate to the Orphan Fund?" And I want to give him a Clint Eastwood squint and say: "Tell you what, punk. I'll give as much as you do, right now."
Even though I know it's not the poor guy's fault. It's just store policy.
Anyway, don't be like me, obviously. Be more like my tender-hearted wife, Pam. She still has those old-fashioned Canadian values.
If someone hits her up on the street, she forks out, figuring: "If they need it so much they have to ask, I should probably give."
Likewise, if a friend invites her to a charity event, she puts on her party dress, crosses her fingers hoping for good snacks (coconut shrimp, tiny burgers, or the Holy Grail: lamb lollipops), and puts her best high-heeled foot forward.
Let's face it: These events are good for networking and people less fortunate truly do benefit, so you can feel good about that as your head hits the pillow – and you've helped out a friend, as well.
But I wouldn't go just out of guilt and because you have a hard time saying no to your friend. Remember: Charity begins in the home, and you have to look after your family first.
In fact, I don't see why you can't take your friend aside and say: "Listen, I would love to support your cause but my budget's a little tight right now, and it's difficult for me to suddenly come up with [X amount] I hadn't planned on for this event."
I've noticed from my association with rich people that they often feel broke, and complain about it – but it's the kind of broke where they have to get an Audi rather than a Land Rover and they don't understand the kind of broke where it's a hardship to lay out, say, $200.
If you talk to her about it, it may help her understand the world is not just divided between "the fortunate" and "the unfortunate," but that there are a lot of grey areas in-between, and you, her friend, may occupy one of them.
It may help deepen your friendship. Money can become an issue between friends – but not if she understands you and she are in different brackets and what that means. Heck, maybe she'll even buy your ticket, not to make you feel like the poor country cousin, but as an acknowledgment that it's not about her being the gala queen, it's about having a friend along and enjoying your company.
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