When Sara Carstens, a Gen Z model, posted a TikTok video of herself applying a brown lip crayon under her eyes to emulate dark circles, her “unbeauty” tip went viral with more than 7 million views. “The entire goal is to normalize dark circles,” she said.
Carstens is part of a long tradition of giving the finger to societal expectations of beauty, perhaps best encapsulated by the French expression jolie laide – finding beauty in flaws. (In fashion, Miuccia Prada at Prada and Alessandro Michele at Gucci have employed it to great effect, too.) But why stop at dark circles for that louche look when there is a whole galaxy of common imperfections to be mined? Look out for these new product launches* created to reveal your jolie laide.
* These products are fictitious and not currently in production. (In case you were wondering.)
Sexy Stache
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
You’ve tweezed, shaved, waxed, lasered, electrolized and melted it off with harsh chemicals. Set your fuzz free with Sexy Stache, the first upper lip hair “muschara” that volumizes and lengthens upper lip hair for a high-impact, unforgettable look. Our exclusive, patent-pending formula includes rambutan extract from the exotic tropical fruit covered in long, gnarly hairs, which accelerates healthy hair growth. Sweat- and humidity-resistant mineral pigments give a multi-dimensional effect and effortless application. As a bonus, since the average Canadian woman earns only 87 cents for every dollar a man does, flashing your ‘stache could power your pocketbook, too! Fragrance free. No animal testing.
Available in six testosterone-packed shades: Metalwork, Woodwork, Hunt&Fish, Homebrew, Shoot, Classic Car Restoration.
BeLined Gel Pen
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Now you can achieve a care-worn visage with BeLined Gel Pen to transform ordinary expression lines into uber-wrinkles. This revolutionary, all-day wear formula comes with a felt-tip pen dispenser for precision application for an insta-aging effect. Create smile lines, crows’ feet, worry lines, frown lines, vertical lip lines, chin lines, “elevens,” neck lines, and more in mere seconds instead of over years and years. Hyper-pigmented, fragrance-free and smudge- and water-resistant.
Available in 25 accelerated aging shades, crème/matte and glitter.
Peau de Rôti
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Do you suffer from age-spot envy? Ever curse that darn SPF50 for preventing permanent caffeine-coloured splotches from perching on your face, decolletage and hands? Peau de Rôti is a revolutionary new product for mottled-looking skin. The versatile gel-tip pen, containing volcanic pigments from Santorini, creates buildable discoloration – from gamine-like freckles to random clumps for age spottiness where you want it most. Adhesive polymers give long-lasting wear up to 16 hours.
Available in three depressing shades: Mid-life, Good For Your Age, Old-Old. Vegan and cruelty-free.
Flambé Eye Tint
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Recreate the effect of chronic eyestrain due to long hours squinting at your iPhone and computer screen, wine-and-gummy bear Bridgerton binges, or even an ugly COVID breakup or divorce. Only a few drops of Flambé Eye Tint bathe the whites of your eyes in a startling rosy hue, all without the fatigue, gritty eye feeling, irritation, blurred vision or heartbreak. This single-use, preservative-free, and long-wear formula faithfully recreates visible eye inflammation.
Available in three shades: Colère, Vexé, and Furieux. Vegan and gluten-free.
Wonder Wheal
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Inspired by nature, Wonder Wheal is a two-in-one crème-to-powder product that creates “hives,” “welts,” and “wheals” on face and body. You no longer have to seek out bed bugs, fleas, mosquitos, carpet beetles, poison ivy, oak, sumac, stray cats, shellfish, rats and reptiles to achieve the same high-impact effect. Formulated with organic and natural ingredients including microencapsulated mustard sprout extract to plump skin and multi-spherical biosimilar compounds to create realistic 3-D wheal effects. Hyper-pigmented so a little goes a long way. Gluten-free.
Available in two colourways: Itchy, Itchy&Scratchy.
Solar Flare Stick
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Get that “lit from within” look of intense UV skin damage in a single stroke without the accompanying fever, peeling and potentially lethal health outcomes of an actual sunburn.
Solar Flare Stick is waterproof, lightweight and has a creamy-matte texture for maximum colour payoff and full coverage that doesn’t fade or crack. Colour does not transfer so show off your “burn” against white bedsheets! Long-lasting formula for up to 13 hours of true skin imperfection. Fragrance- and cruelty-free.
Available in three shades: First-Degree, Second-Degree, Third-Degree.
Spider Lily Eyelid Wand
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Spider Lily Eyelid Wand is the ultimate in cosmetic eyelid vein and capillary enhancement for a beguiling spidery web effect. Shake well until product saturates the doe-footed sponge tip. Glide onto eyelids for a foolproof application that boosts the appearance of red and purple veins with desired thickness and protuberance. The hyper-pigmented, emotion-proof formula won’t bleed or smudge. Free of parabens, formaldehyde and asbestos.
Available in three shades: Ruby, Carnelian and Tanzanite; and four formulations: matte, satin, pearl and vinyl.
Pretty Puffy Contour Palette
Illustration by The Globe and Mail; Source iStockphoto
Pretty Puffy Contour Palette is the ultimate solution for those suffering from under-eye bag deficiency.
Whether you’re looking for puffiness caused by seasonal allergies, excess salt consumption, overwork or a genetic predisposition, now you can achieve the highly congested look that everybody wants. The Pretty Puffy Contour Palette contains earth-friendly clay extracts and less earth-friendly coal tar to create buildable bags – from cute mini totes to weekend carryalls. The three-in-one product comes in satin, pearl and matte finishes for contouring, highlighting and revealing. Crease and fade proof, not cakey.
Available in one universally unflattering shade.