Pursuant to the standing order of bills delivered monthly to this House, I have the honour to table, in one official language, this fall economic statement for my own family’s household.
This Canadian household’s fiscal update reflects the affordability crisis that the individuals who make up this great nation are facing.
We are worn out, frustrated and feeling the squeeze. We are in very real pain.
The debt-to-products-this-household-can-afford ratio is gross.
To begin with, lettuce. We are distressed that, after paying $8 for three romaine lettuce hearts, and carrying said hearts back to the House, we had to toss a large ratio of the leaves owing to deterioration.
A dozen (organic, free-range) eggs were also spotted at the surprising cost of $9.99. Separately, the preferred (aluminum- and paraben-free) deodorant of this House is currently retailing at $20.99, up from $16.99 – an increase of 24 per cent – since it was first discovered by this health-seeking House earlier in this calendar year. This is occurring in a climate in which this House has received recent notices of subscription rate increases issued by several streaming services.
Now, to the mattress in the primary bedroom.
Following a recent statement of distress from a friend to this House, the cat-sitter (“What’s with your mattress?”), it behooved this homeowner to investigate a fiscally responsible solution – notwithstanding the variable-rate mortgage, fixed expenses that continue to increase, and already alarming debt-servicing costs, which we shall blame on global circumstances.
While the mattress is not currently displaying evidence of a depression, there are clearly recessions present.
Having consulted with professionals who refer to themselves as “sleep experts,” we have learned that today’s mattress works best with an advanced form of furniture, known globally as a platform bed. Should the purchaser of a new mattress opt to “cheap out” and use it with an existing box spring, the warranty for the new mattress shall be declared invalid. Further, the new bedroom system may require the replacement of both bedside tables, given that the current ones will no longer be the appropriate height.
Mr./Ms./Mx. Reader, before we can rule on the fiscal responsibility of this purchase, we must inform you that in the week prior to the mattress setback, a plumbing expert was called to the House, whereupon he declared an upstairs toilet to be a potential hazard to the entire structure – and thus the overall economy of the House – and would require immediate replacement.
This skilled Canadian craftsman made the responsible choice of selecting a slightly higher-than-standard latrine, as, he informed this mortified homeowner, the common height can be tough on the knees as one ages. It is unclear if this elevated commode raised the cost as well.
Mr./Ms./Mx. Reader, this is occurring in an environment in which the last time the House automobile was filled with the fossil fuel it shamefully requires, the cost amounted to just below $100. No matter how one conducts the math, the purchase of an electric vehicle, while desirable, is unachievable, this fiscal update must state.
The current vehicle, now 13 years of age, is displaying a large dent from an encounter with a parking barrier, acquired in October, 2022. We note that the fall 2022 economic update did not allow for the required autobody repairs.
Mr./Ms./Mx. Reader, please understand that the dishwasher is also on its last legs – or wheels, two of which have become detached. And that this machine may no longer be effective. A recent attempt at fiscal restraint, realized in the purchase of discounted dishwashing solution, was abandoned upon the declaration from the House teenager that his buttered bagel – the spread having been stored in a recently washed butter dish – tasted “like soap.”
To underscore the enormous challenge of this moment, consider that the holiday season is commencing, and there will be a high expectation of transfers (colloquially known as “gifts”).
A brief word about discretionary spending and its merits. In an attempt to deliver a distraction to herself, the head of this Canadian House investigated the possible purchase of a recently published memoir by the songstress Barbra Streisand. Alas, at a list price of $63, this is an unattainable solution.
We shall not address the cost of Taylor Swift tickets in this update, other than to note that in 2024, the year of Ms. Swift’s anticipated Canadian visits, the deficit is expected to increase.
While the annual rate of inflation has fallen to a relatively paltry 3.1 per cent, it continues to outpace any increase in various revenue streams to this House. We must also acknowledge that mortgage-interest costs are up 30.5 per cent, year-over-year – worse than the deodorant.
The meals, utilities and extras (toothpaste etc.) that this House is delivering may need to be re-examined in light of this economic forecast. Resources in this House are not infinite.
We regret to inform our aching back that we are making a conscious decision to cap spending and avoid pouring fuel on the fire of inflation, in part because we cannot afford the fuel. Or the mattress.
Marsha Lederman