Join Arnold (The Schwarzenegger for Governor commercial) Directed by: Unknown Written by: Unknown Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger Classification: R Rating: ** The new film, Join Arnold, is not related to Hey Arnold: The Movie, based on the Nickelodeon cartoon about the little boy with the football-shaped head who saves his neighbourhood from an evil industrialist. Although both films are political, the Arnold who stars in Join Arnold is a Republican, which means he knows industrialists are not evil. In fact, Join Arnold is the latest release from the star of this summer's blockbuster, T3: Rise of the Machines, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
This short film, which started showing several times a day on California television (and is available online at the http://www.joinarnold.com), reveals a man who is finally prepared to get serious about his acting.
Join Arnold consists of just two scenes with Arnold talking non-stop for 60 seconds, without once punching anyone. The 60-second length is considered a rarity for an expensive TV spot in California. Certainly it must rank as one of the longest speeches in Arnold's career. In the first Terminator movie, which established him as an action superstar, he had only 16 lines.
The opening sequence of Join Arnold will seem tame to fans who enjoyed the Terminator's usual stunts -- like destroying buildings with a 100-tonne crane, or crashing a fembot's head through a urinal. InT3, for example Arnold arrived buck-naked, in a blaze of electricity. In Join Arnold, he arrives in a handsome-looking soft-shouldered blue blazer and he wears an open-necked white shirt with a stiff collar.
Compared to most Arnold vehicles, Join Arnold is refreshingly free of needless complications. Essentially what happens is that he takes a walk to what looks like a gubernatorial office.
We first encounter Arnold in mid-stride, proceeding along the cream-coloured walls of the building. Initially, the top of his head appears crowned with green leaves as he walks by ivy-covered walls (a fitting symbol of the laurel wreath for the six-time Mr. Olympia), then his head passes an arched window and a electric light sconce, where three lights bulbs are lit. The lights are cartoon shorthand for "I have an idea." An uplifting John Williams-style orchestral theme gently swells in the background.
Of course, Arnold's first language is German. He has a measured delivery and the ad unfolds like a blank-verse poem in six stanzas. Mispronunciations are indicated where they seem notable. Words are capitalized here to indicate his emphasis, as they might appear on a cue card.
"This Historic (hand raises briefly and finger stabs the air) election/ Has come about because there is a Tremendous (neck muscles bulge with the force of his emphasis) Disconnect/ Between the leaders of Caleefornia/ And the People of Caleefornia."
He pauses for a slight smirk of satisfaction.
"We the people/ Are doing our job/ Working hard/ Raising our families/ and Paying Taxes./ But the Politicians (angry finger stab) "are not doing Their job."
(Arnold's voice becomes bold and louder, punching out the four "F" sounds at the centre of this third stanza.) "We can do better than that/ After all we are Caleefornia./ Always at the forefront of innovation/ Our fahm products feed the world/ And our technology Is second to None."
The last word "None" is accompanied by an assertive nod, as Arnold turns away from the camera and walks off to his right, apparently away from the door behind him. The end of the first half of the speech is over.
What is most memorable -- the phrase that viewers will jokingly imitate -- is the use of the jargon word "disconnect" as a noun. It seems particularly dangerous for a man whose best known for saying lines like, "I am a cyborg . . . Living tissue on a mechanical frame . . . Emotions aren't part of my subroutines" to throw around words that suggest electrical failure.
As usual, the second half of the Arnold film is not as good as the beginning but it does have one apparent special effect. Arnold, magically appearing inside the office, now speaks boldly, and for the first time, takes charge, changing from the first-person plural to the first-person singular.
"I'm running for governor/ To lead a movement for change/ And give Caleefornia (the arm swings up and he stabs the air with his finger) Back its future."
Now this is inspired, reminding viewers of his cyborg ability to time travel and save the human race.
The camera's gaze, fixated, begins to gradually close in and Arnold's face grows larger on the screen: "I stand for fiscally responsible government Rebuilding Caleefornia's economic ingine/ Putting the needs of children furst/ And reforming our political system/ So that the the [sic]public interest/ Comes before Special interests."
This is easily Arnold's least effective sequence as he wades into a vicious crossfire of difficult vowels and polysyllabic words. The script is out-of-sequence. He says he puts "the needs of children" first, but he places it third in his list. Bloodied and dirtied, he struggles to raise himself up from the wreckage.
The commercial is now at the 45-second point (or, equivalent to the critical hour-and-a-half point in a feature film.) Arnold's smile widens into a teeth-bearing grin, the chin tilts up and his head begins to sway, something like a very large terrier finishing off a resilient rat. The orchestra's theme swells with promise and joy, and Arnold speaks in a coaxing, eager voice, again relying on his beloved F consonants:
"I want to be the People's Governor/ I will work Honestly/ without Fear or Favour For all Caleefornians."
His mouth closes to a line and Arnold swallows hard; I must admit. I had a catch in my own throat.
Cut to a title card declaring "Join Arnold" and a voice-over announcement: "Join Arnold and Let's Bring California Back."
The new film is a brave strike in a new direction, but just a little too scary for general audiences. Personally, I think I'd prefer that Arnold forget California and bring the Terminator back.
Liam Lacey