You have to admire a bar that's cheeky enough to serve a fruity martini called the Cavity Search.
Too bad the "toxicology report" (cocktail menu) is the only thing remotely daring about this deathly boring resurrection of the old Crime Lab restaurant.
The original Crime Lab, which closed almost five years ago, was a funky little eatery and late-night watering hole that was wedged into a miniature flatiron building at West Pender and Melville.
The joint had a cartoonish film noir feel to it, with caricaturized molls on the menu, oversized high-backed booths, a wrought-iron circular staircase and lots of dark corners.
It served frothy, pink cocktails before Sex and the City made them fashionable, decent steaks and relatively creative dishes for its time. (I recall eating some sort of nut-crusted fish and being impressed.)
The clientele, as a girlfriend recently reminded me, was comfortably downscale, represented by a motley assortment of cops, reporters, hospitality-industry workers and people "who dressed badly."
In other words, it had character.
The new Crime Lab, by contrast, feels like a conventional chain restaurant that's pandering to tourists.
The glass-walled room, perched at the foot of Denman Street overlooking the yachts in Coal Harbour, certainly has potential. But the dark decor is cold and sterile. And the tightly spaced tables and narrow, purple-upholstered banquettes are immensely uncomfortable (especially the table for two with seats on the same side).
"Upscale Moxie's," one friend sniffed.
Other than the name and crime-themed menu headings, the only real nod to the original restaurant is a Warholed picture of its late owner, Matt Walsh, who was a partner in the group that also owned Fiction and Lucy Mae Brown. The new restaurant is co-owned by Kimberley Cole, a former Crime Lab manager.
When the restaurant opened last summer, the kitchen was run by chef Shahab Ghaemi-Zadeh, another Crime Lab alumnus. I visited in mid-September and was impressed by a couple of his Persian-inspired dishes, which stood out temptingly from the usual pub-grub suspects. The grilled lamb lollipops ($14) were juicy and nicely charred, the plate scattered with roasted pistachios and drizzled with a snappy mint-pistachio pesto. For dessert, drunken figs ($9) were stewed in port and cognac, served with a crunchy pistachio gelato and sweet fig glaze.
I remember wishing the menu had taken a more serious stab at this Iranian vein, instead of slashing around the globe and slaughtering so many of the basics. Dungeness crab cakes ($14) were stuffed with filler; free-range chicken breast ($21) was dry and served with a mushroom risotto that must have been built from the same tasteless broth as the Spanish paella ($21).
Deep-fried halibut ($19) was overcooked, though the chips were robustly seasoned with smoked paprika and the portion was huge. The portobello and goat cheese ravioli ($19) were entombed in a bland, cement-like cream sauce.
It wasn't long before Chef Ghaemi-Zadeh was given his marching orders.
Joe Jut from Gateway Casinos and Entertainment was brought in a few weeks after my first visit. But the menu has only been slightly tweaked. And after returning last week, I can't say I tasted much of an improvement.
The thickly battered halibut was moist this time, though the fries were no longer seasoned. Grilled pork chops ($24), a new item, were jaw-numbingly tough and served with that same horrible, bland cream sauce from the ravioli.
The Caesar salad ($11) is now served fresh, instead of being grilled, with a full-length, unchopped heart of romaine. But the dressing lacked bite.
The lamb lollipops were still very good. But the soft drunken figs had shrivelled into tight, rubbery balls.
Service on both visits was friendly and attentive without being intrusive. And the clientele was an eclectic mix of families with children, well-heeled boat owners and young vixens out on the prowl.
Ms. Cole is obviously not going after the foodie crowd, but it's a crime that the food is this dull. Don't we have enough blandly conformist waterfront dining options already?
Crime Lab: 550 Denman St.; 604-568-4606
***
Side dish
LUMIÈRE'S CELEBRATED pastry chef Wendy Boys has left the restaurant and is now working for the Cactus Club as a consulting chef on special events.
Ms. Boys appeared to have a bright future with Daniel Boulud's Dinex Group of New York, which is busily gearing up for the reopening of Lumière and launch of DB Bistro Moderne Vancouver in early December. "She was a wonderful pastry chef," Mr. Boulud said last week. "We had a little disagreement over what she expected to do for us and what we expected from her."
A spokeswoman for Cactus Restaurants, which also employs Lumière's founder and former executive chef Rob Feenie, said Ms. Boys is on contract, not on staff. "From time to time, Cactus Restaurants works with consulting chefs on product development. This is not an ongoing relationship at this time."
WHY CHOKE BACK Beaujolais nouveau when you can sip 2005 Domaine la Barroche from Châteauneuf-du-Pape? Marquis Wine Cellars is throwing its annual French Fête on Nov. 26 at the Vancouver Museum (1100 Chestnut St.). The lineup of exclusive French wines will be paired with hors d'oeuvres prepared by Provence Restaurants, Bistrot Bistro, La Gavroche, Jules Bistro and Salt Tasting Room. Tickets cost $75, with the net proceeds going to the Fraser Academy.
Marquis Wine Cellars: 1034
Davie St.; 604-684-0445.
Alexandra Gill
Alexandra Gill