Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: Recently, I found out my wife was having an affair with a colleague at the company we both work for. She didn't consider it an affair, since they didn't have sex. But she admits to kissing him several times. She was meeting him for lunches and calling and e-mailing him regularly behind my back. She says it is now over, but I still don't trust her. We have two small children. Divorce is nasty for all involved, but certainly an option. Should I leave her, inform our HR department of the affair, try to mend fences or maybe have an affair myself?
CHEATERS KEEP CHEATING
Your wife is being unfaithful, and wants you to catch her. She is offering to another man some of the intimacy that should be yours. And she is doing it where you both work, where it will do the most damage to your reputation and self-esteem. Cheaters usually keep on cheating, so don't count on this going away without lashings of marriage and individual counselling. If you would rather sleep with somebody else than do this work with your wife, split up now before your mutual lack of love affects the children any further.
- Maureen Heath, Regina
IT'S TIME TO BAIL OUT
Yes, you should absolutely leave her. If you have two small children and she is this interested in another man, it is definitely time to bail out. I would not recommend telling HR; it would probably then end up the subject of every water-cooler conversation - although that will happen anyways. As to you having an affair of your own, that is simply a mistake you do not need to make. You will have plenty of issues to solve over the next while without an affair hanging over your head.
- David Irvine, Toronto
DON'T TAKE REVENGE
A revenge affair is unfair to her (whether you care or not), to you, and most of all to the woman you have the affair with, who has no idea of the minefield she's blundering into. I would suggest sitting down with your wife, explaining your feelings, then saying that you want couple counselling. Maybe that way you can find out what was behind her affair. Maybe she felt the other person was more available physically, emotionally, whatever. Maybe you can fix things by openly examining the affair with a professional. And if not, counselling will help you decide if the marriage can be saved, and whether you want it to be saved.
- Lianne Burwell, Ottawa
THE FINAL WORD
Dear Avenger,
Focus on your marriage rather than your retort.
An affair is always an indication that, as in Hamlet's Denmark, there is something "rotten" in the state.
How did you find out? Did your wife confess?Or did you discover her betrayal through another source? If your wife told you, then you have the beginnings of reparation: transparency in the form of unabashed truths, however lethal. If you found out accidentally, or through your own reconnaissance, would she have discontinued the relationship - or did she end it, like a teenager half-buried in a liquor cabinet, only once she was caught? Of course, the second scenario is a lot less reassuring.
She insists it was not an affair because it did not involve sex. This is a question of semantics. Her relationship had the same fallout as an affair: an intimacy that challenged and, in the end, compromised your own. The proof: You have lost your trust.
Sure, sex with its nakedness and plotting and acrobatics is easily the more evolved expression of a betrayal. But serialized kissing and lunches and a consumptive correspondence are no less intimate; they are only more clothed. In the Age of the BlackBerry, some lovers stray without touching. Some stray without meeting. The furious typing fills them.
While there is no carnal transgression, they have nonetheless been kidnapped from their marriages. This is an affair - and, in some cases, more damning than the sweatier version rocking motel rooms.
Heed the wise admonishment of Cheaters Heath. She rightly identifies your wife's unfaithfulness in the workplace as meta-damaging. She also challenges you: Make your children your conscience when you debate what is worth salvaging - your marriage or your reputation.
While I disagree with his command to "absolutely leave her," Water-Cooler Irvine sagely offers: Leave HR out of your bedroom and squash your understandable, yet disastrously competitive, urge to exact an affair for an affair.
Ultimately, I stand with Minefield Burwell. Suggest couple counselling. Avenger, this is not about winning something. This is about saving something - your relationship. That is, if it is worth it.
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Next week's question
A reader writes: When I married my husband 10 years ago, I stressed to him that I was marrying him, not his business. Since that time he has struggled to keep it going. I purposely stayed out of the business, but lent him money to help it through a rough patch. I received one payment once, way back when. I feel resentful that he has never treated me with respect on this matter, or answered my questions about what we will live on in old age. When I bring it up, he changes the subject or gets defensive. I do work, and had the foresight to draw up a prenuptial agreement. Selling the business is out of the question. But it's hard for me to watch it drain his energy and our savings. There are three of us in this marriage. Should I stay or should I go?
Let's hear from you
Do you have an answer to this question, or a dilemma of your own that you'd like readers to help solve? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com, and please include your full name and hometown. (We will not print your name if we publish your personal dilemma.)
Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published last year by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com