Are you a fool in love? Dealing with a tricky relationship problem? Not sure what to do next?
Globe Life advice columnist Claudia Dey will be online Thursday at 2 p.m. ET to take your questions and offer her words of unbiased wisdom.
Ms. Dey's column, Group Therapy, appears in Globe Life every Thursday. She's offered advice to everyone from a woman fed up with online dating , to a woman who wants kids but is with a man who doesn't , to a man who can't choose between his job and his girlfriend .
Your questions and Ms. Dey's answers appear at the bottom of this page.
When she was born, Ms. Dey was declared a soothsayer and a bartendress of the soul. Much of her childhood was spent keeping other people's secrets and when in need, building them life rafts out of advice. Older now, she aspires to be a northern Ann Landers - sans pearls, avec cigar.
Ms. Dey writes plays in her spare time. Her works, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems, and Trout Stanley, have been anthologized, translated into French and German, staged across Canada, and once in the former Communist headquarters of New York City. They have been nominated for the Governor General's Award, the Trillium Award and the Dora Award for Outstanding New Play.
Editor's Note: globeandmail.com editors will read and allow or reject each question/comment. Comments/questions may be edited for length or clarity. HTML is not allowed. We will not publish questions/comments that include personal attacks on participants in these discussions, that make false or unsubstantiated allegations, that purport to quote people or reports where the purported quote or fact cannot be easily verified, or questions/comments that include vulgar language or libellous statements. Preference will be given to readers who submit questions/comments using their full name and home town, rather than a pseudonym.
P from Toronto Canada writes: I met my bf at the building we both worked in a year and half ago. He is 13 years older than me and he is in mid 40s, separated and has 3 kids, he pays almost $2000 child support and he gets to spend every other weekend with his kids (14, 12 and 7 years old). It has been second summer in a row that I had to spend all long weekend by myself since he is with his kids. He is the manager of a startup company that is still struggling to survive after 2 years. He lied to me about his marriage status and the fact he has children and his age. All the fundamental things in relationship he told me at the beginning have became lies after I found out for myself. But i know he loves (or likes) me. So i decided to give it a shot. When we become comfortable with each other and more attached to him, it is very hard to let go the relationship. Now i m 31, I met him 2 months before my 30th birthday. my biological clock has never stopped ticking. And my parents and friends are putting the pressure on me because from their point of view, this man is not a fit for me. I deserve a fresh start and happiness. He is determined to slowly move his career to his hometown so he could have more time to spend with his kids. And he had a vasectomy surgery so having kids together will be an issue. Now after 2 years struggling, his business finally started looking up, he is excited and agree to go ahead with this, get married, and have a family. But he then brought up the prenuptial agreement issue saying he does not want repeat the experience he had from his previous marriage. I love him, and I stood beside him at the most difficult time in the past, I was there with him when he has nothing to offer, but think for myself, for someone that will never put me first , should I go ahead with this? I really need your help and opinion on this. Thank you.
Claudia Dey: Dear P, This sounds doomed. I am sorry to be delivering such an ominous message, but the foundation for your relationship has never been solid. Like a shoddily structured building, it is destined - upon the first real storm - to sink and collapse. He lied to you about his age, his children and his marital status. These are one's most defining signifiers - the equivalent to a baseball player's card listing his batting average.
As a rule, it is dangerous to love anyone who purports to be something other than what they are. I am not worried about long weekends or time away with his brood; understand that when you fall in love with someone who has children, you will always have to share first place. It is his dishonesty that corrupts this bond. For instance, his swooping offer and sudden withdrawal of marriage and family indicates that he is akin to a fever - all spikes and flutters. In a long-term paramour dear P, this febrility makes for nothing but misery.
End the relationship. To give yourself the space and time to recover, ask him not to contact you for a number of months. When you are ready, re-enter the dating world. Ignore the pressure of family and friends; they are protective and form a loving but noisily intrusive crowd. And try to dull the persistent tick of the clock as it may propel you toward making an unsound and rushed decision. Instead, consider yourself and what kind of future you envision. Given your missive, you clearly have a formidable capacity for love and loyalty. P, I suggest you place it elsewhere.
N from Victoria Canada writes: What is the best way to test the waters if you think someone is interested in you? I have difficulty in this area, and am shy, and usually end up friends with those I am interested in, instead of something more.
Claudia Dey: Dear Shy, I immediately trust shy people. Do not try to quell or divert this in yourself. While others wear Viking helmets and howl across crowded restaurants, winking sloppily, your shyness is like some kind of ancient ritual - rarely observed in a noisy world, a passport (albeit a sometimes languorous one) to the most authentic exchanges.
The obvious point of delineation that separates the friend from the lover is sensual expression. And this, dear Shy, can happen in the most modest form - an arm slung around a shoulder, a kiss goodnight. In the unspoken language of carnality, these gestures indicate interest. Akin to highlighting a passage in a book, they make you stop mid-story and re-evaluate your reading. Try to muster up the confidence to engage in this kind of affectionate play. Make sure that the context suits it and you - a moonlit stroll, a darkened theatre, last call. The more you express this part of yourself, the more you will be able to in the future. Like any muscle, it can be exercised. If this is an entirely uncomfortable prospect, locate your inner Cyrano. Is it a handwritten note left on a doorstep or a flirtatious utterance over a glass of wine? Find what feels true to you - and then share it.
Jenny Banton from Burlington Canada writes: A male friend and I were somewhat somewhat intimate several months ago. In recent months he has made it clear that he's not interested in any type of relationship, other than as an acquaintance, since he considers me a negative person. Even still, I can't seem to let go of the idea of being in a relationship with him, or of the attraction I feel towards him. How can I let go of him? Is it ridiculous to think we can still be friends?
Claudia Dey:Dear Jenny, It is not ridiculous, but it is probably in the very distant - almost science-fiction - future. And truly, is it a friendship that you want? He identified you as a 'negative person'; perhaps this closeness is not one that compels you toward your best possible self.
In the meantime, he has been clear with you regarding his wishes and the reasoning behind them. However difficult it may be to accept, respect his lucidity by not contacting him in any way; an acquaintance implies a 'slight' knowledge of someone rather than an intimate or an even friendly one. To recover from a burnished, unrequited love, I suggest sitting in a darkened basement for a few days and watching the saddest films you can find. And then, like a soldier freed from solitary confinement emerge to a world renewed. Sink yourself into your friendships. Locate the activities that thrill and engage you. Adopt new ones; there is nothing like a broken heart to propel one toward risk. As you collect adventures, the one you had with him will pale.
In the end, as hurt has a way of doing, this will serve as useful reconnaissance for your next relationship. One day, you may even be thankful for it - though given his request for acquaintanceship, he obviously should not be told.
C from Stratford writes: Dear Ms. Dey, My question is 'how long do you wait in a long distance relationship before either of you packs up your bags and moves closer to each other?' Back in July, I met the most incredible girl while traveling out West. We spent a few amazing days together and since have kept in contact daily, and I've once visited her since. We have the most amazing chemistry when we are both together and far away, I have little doubt that this girl is the one for me. We've talked about moving closer but have yet decided on a time frame, because we don't want to rush things too much, but also on the flip side, we don't want to wait too long either. We talk on the phone, text message, and email daily, we just cannot get enough of each other. So again, my question is: When does it become time that I decide to move? Is there a time frame for this or will there be something I'll feel? Thank you, Ms. Dey.
Claudia Dey: Dear C, First, congratulations. Aside from the bottom of a newborn's foot, there is no better feeling than the love you are experiencing. Have you painted the town red yet?
Second, there is no time line other than the one that you devise together. What are your commitments? Who would move? What would they do upon their arrival? Would you live together immediately? I am sure that you have mulled these questions over throughout your fevered correspondence. While they deserve their weight, the most crucial element is of course, love; love makes us daring and committed so that something like relocation or instant co-habitation is not perilous, but worth the unpredictability that comes with anything new.
Some people meet in the morning and marry that afternoon. Others never take risks and are boxed in by their own hesitations. Others make brash choices that read as romantic but punish them in the end. Others live long-distance for years and collect boxes full of letters and postcards before making the trip across the country. Every relationship has its own speedometer.
C, this, in the end, is a question that only you and your paramour can answer. Given the information that you have - both practical and sublime - what are you willing to wager?
Rasha Mourtada, Globe Life web editor: To our readers, we're sorry we didn't get to all your questions today. Look out for future discussions with Claudia. Claudia, any last thoughts?
Claudia Dey: Thank you to everyone who wrote in today.
Recommended reading: Rivka Galchen's 'Atmospheric Disturbances' - an esoteric and tragicomic love story written by an omnivorous brain.
Recommended listening: anything by Johnny Cash.
Bon courage,
Yours in the ink,
Claudia Dey