The question
I am in my early 30s. As a teenager, I was quite obese (300 lbs), but I am very grateful to say that I have been slim now for several years. But my body still "bears the wounds" of my previous weight: lots of loose skin, a sagging chest, etc. Special garments were needed to hold it in. I recently underwent the first of two surgeries to correct my loose skin, a procedure called a body lift. I took a month off work, and was paid through the company's short-term disability plan. Though I did say it would be the first of two surgeries, I did not tell people at work the exact nature of my surgery: I think there is a stigma attached to cosmetic procedures. I did get the odd "soft inquiry," but kept mum. My dilemma is that my second surgery involves a lift and augmentation of both my bum and breast area. How do I handle telling my boss and co-workers without revealing too much or coming off as cold and closed off? Also, how do I respond should I get comments about my new appearance? While I fear negative judgment about being "paid to get a boob job," this is a private issue that has a long history.
The answer
I hope I'm the right guy to ask. I'm a bit "out there" in that I tend to think just about anything is better off hauled out into the sunshine rather than allowed to ferment and fester in the psyche's basement.
For example: "I have a vestigial tail."
"I hate myself for this, I wish it weren't true, but I find Madonna sexy." (Autobiographical.)
"I betrayed my wife … I've killed men and ordered men to be killed … I ordered the death of my brother."
Well, maybe not everything, though even that last one probably felt good to get out in the open rather than carry around as a psychic burden (Michael Corleone says this to a priest in Godfather III).
Of course, I recognize you don't necessarily want to tell everyone in your life everything, that some things are private.
Have you considered, though, how hard it is these days, in the era of social media, to keep anything a secret? In other words, if you don't want your colleagues to know about your procedures, that means you shouldn't post anything about them on Facebook, Instagram, or (duh) Twitter.
Nor should you tell anyone who might post to Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Your brother-in-law might be so proud of you he tweets: "[Your name here] lost so much weight she's getting 'body lift,' breast and buttock reconstruction. She's eschewed doughnuts for so long she might be sitting on one for a while!" Then everyone will know.
Even if that doesn't happen, as you say, when people at work observe your surgically enhanced derriere and décolletage, they might begin to speculate. "I wouldn't put anything past anyone," as Seinfeld says, and pretty soon rumours might be circulating, exactly what you're trying to avoid: "Hey, did you hear? [Your name here] took time off work to get a butt job and boob job." "What a narcissist."
I did some research on rumours recently, and it's interesting: You know how they say a rumours "spread like wildfire"? It's actually a poor analogy, because fires need fuel, and rumours are the opposite; i.e., the less people know, the more rumours spread. What douses them is a bucketful of complete and accurate information.
Moreover, these days, people are a lot more understanding and accepting of cosmetic surgery as a way to "normalize" one's appearance after a medical condition has been dealt with.
No one would judge someone for having reconstructive surgery following breast cancer, which is life-threatening. They applaud it. Same should, ideally, go for weight loss, a huge step away from a potentially life-threatening condition and toward improved health.
(I believe society is becoming more Dave-like this way: more is coming out in the open.)
So, for all the reasons listed above, although you don't sound too inclined, what I'd do in your shoes is send out a mass e-mail to everyone in the office.
You could be more poetic than this, but lay out the basic facts: "Dear colleagues: You may notice I've taken some time off work recently. You may also notice some changes in my appearance. The reason is: I used to be quite heavy, but I've lost a lot of weight, so now I'm undergoing a series of operations to correct my loose skin, and tissue loss in my breasts and buttocks. To be honest, I don't really feel like talking too much about it, but I appreciate your sympathy and understanding as I go through these procedures."
This will have a three-pronged effect, I think/hope: 1) it will quash the speculation, gossip, and rumours; 2) it will pre-empt you having to deal any more with "soft inquiries;" and 3) everyone will mind their own business and get back to work.
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