More than 20 years after Crocodile Dundee taught us to avoid reptile-infested water holes, the next Great Australian Film is about to be unleashed on the world.
Australia is a sweeping Outback epic about a propertied English heiress (Nicole Kidmab) who falls in love with a hunky cattle drover (Hugh Jackman) during the Second World War. And while advance reviews from Sydney say the film is beautiful, reviewers aren't sure it earns all its hype.
But that may not matter. For the folks Down Under, this movie means one thing: We're once again going to be polished, packaged and paraded in front of tourists.
This time, we will be spared endless comments about shrimps on the barbie. Instead, Baz Luhrmann's $120-million film and the accompanying advertisements he directed for Tourism Australia sell our remote "red centre" as a rejuvenating, near-mystical place that will transform any foreigner game enough to fly 14-plus hours to get there.
We Aussies like to think that's true. In the three years since I traded sunny Brisbane for gritty Toronto, I've often expounded on the profound beauty of our desolate interior: The sheer vastness of it renders people speechless, and engenders a humility shared only with people of equally vast, deadly realms (hello, Great White North).
But the reality is that, for most Aussies, the magic of the bush is mostly experienced onscreen. We're too busy at the beach, hitting foodie hot spots in our bustling hometowns, or sneaking away for weekends at local wineries to bother with all that Outback stuff.
So I humbly present an entirely subjective guide to the rest of the country. As with anything an Aussie tells you, take it with a grain of salt and a ready grin.
MELBOURNE
If it was Canadian, it would be Montreal. Mired in an endless rivalry with Sydney, this culture and café hub long ago adopted the handy credo: Who needs to be the biggest when you can be the coolest?
Do it like a tourist Embrace the cheesiness of the Old Melbourne Gaol (Russell St.; 61 (3) 8663 7228; www.oldmelbournegaol.com.au) and see where infamous bushranger Ned Kelly met his end. Yes, it has comedic re-creations of prisoners, but it's ghoulishly fascinating too.
Do it like a local Hang with the hipsters in the once-seedy-now-slick beachside strip of St. Kilda. Just don't blow your cool if a celebrity walks by.
Definitely don't say anything against the local religion - Australian Rules Football. And don't pronounce the "r." It's Mel-bun.
Party In this town of back-alley clubs and nameless bars, just finding a place can imbue instant cred. At least 1806 (169 Exhibition St.; 61 (3) 9663 7722; www.1806.com.au) is on a main street. And its drinks list was declared the world's best at this year's Tales of the Cocktail festival (the venue itself gets glowing reviews too).
Eat This is the country's foodie capital, so it can be tough deciding where to tuck in. So why not dine everywhere by jumping on board the travelling Colonial Tramcar Restaurant (Tramstop 125, Normanby Rd.; 61 (3) 9696 4000; www.tramrestaurant.com.au)? It roams while you nosh.
Shop For a little bit of everything - fashion, food, housewares and artifacts - hit the seven-hectare Queen Victoria Market (Victoria and Elizabeth Sts.; 61 (3) 9320 5822). Housed in a beautiful historic building, it even hosts night markets through the summer.
Sleep Locals are raving about The Prince (2 Acland St.; 61 (3) 9536 1111; www.theprince.com.au), a 40-room art-deco hotel in so-hip-it-hurts St. Kilda. Like all of the hottest spots in this area, it's slightly shadowy, but has glittery friends (the super-glam restaurant Circa is downstairs).
Within two hours One of the world's most scenic drives, the Great Ocean Road wends along the coast west of Melbourne. Or head north and check out the Sovereign Hill gold rush museum at Ballarat. Most Aussies, though, forget all that and just go and drink wine in the Yarra Valley.
SYDNEY
If it was Canadian, it would be Toronto, only beautiful. This is the country's biggest city, its business centre, and it too has a big pointy tower offering 360-degree views.
Do it like a tourist Don an unfashionable safety suit and climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge (5 Cumberland St.; 61 (2) 8274 7777; www.bridgeclimb.com). Prices start at $179, but you get stellar views and the cheesiest photo op in the country.
Do it like a local Don your swimmers (otherwise known as bathers, cossie, togs or budgie smugglers) and go for a dip in the rock pools at Bronte or Manley. These aren't any old puddles in the crag - they are actual pools, complete with lane markings, carved out of rocks beside the ocean.
Definitely don't refer to neighbouring Parramatta as part of Sydney. Parramatta thinks Sydney is soft. Sydney thinks it's too good for Parramatta. Party Sydney's Type As take their partying seriously, and the Ruby Rabbit in Paddington (231 Oxford St.; 612 9332 3197; www.rubyrabbit.com.au) has upped their ante. Downstairs is a lush seventies-style bar. Upstairs is Versailles-worthy decadence. Definitely dress to impress.
Eat Eschew the countless gourmet restaurants here and head to the original Harry's Café de Wheels at vowel-rich Woolloomooloo (Cowper Wharf Road; www.harryscafedewheels.com.au). It's a van that has been selling meat pies for 60 years. Go all out with a "pie and peas" - a meat pie topped with mushy peas.
Shop The funky kids head to Paddington's Oxford Street for designer clothes, books, art and more. To get the whole show, though, wait until Saturday, when the markets (www.paddingtonmarkets.com.au) get going. We're especially fond of Luvlok's patterns and Mooza Designs' baubles.
Sleep Appearances matter here, and that goes for where you sleep too. The Establishment Hotel (5 Bridge Lane; 61 (2) 9240 3100) has 31 minimalist-luxe rooms. And as a guest, you won't have to line up to enter the fashionable bar, nightclub and restaurants downstairs. Within two hours Go west to the Blue Mountains for gorges, hikes and artist enclaves near the iconic Three Sisters peaks, or head north to sample the award-winning semillons of the Hunter Valley wine region.
ADELAIDE
If it was Canadian, it would be Halifax. Set away from the densely populated eastern seaboard and surrounded by hills and open sea, this town is a bit sleepy, very charming and most people never actually get here.
Do it like a tourist A simple way to tell tourists from locals at Rundle Mall: Tourists look excited. Still, the usual chain stores and some tasty local ones - try Haigh's (2 Rundle Mall; 61 (8) 8231 2844) chocolate - eventually draw everyone in here.
Do it like a local Perpetuate intra-city rivalry by attending an Aussie Rules football game between Adelaide and Port Adelaide.
Definitely don't say, "Gee, this place isn't nearly as boring as people warned."
Party Only saintly Adelaide could have a leading night spot called Supermild (182 Hindley St.; 61 (8) 8212 9699). Distill Health Bar (286 Rundle St.; 61 (8) 8227 0825) also attracts the city's A-crowd with organic, 100-mile cocktails.
Eat Good Life Pizza (42 Jetty Rd.; 61 (8) 8376 5900; www.goodlifepizza.com) has been named the city's best pizza joint for five years running. And with good reason: Its three locations have local wines, use organic, local ingredients - and they're carbon-neutral. Who would want to resist?
Shop The Jam Factory (19 Morphett St.; 61 (8) 8410 0727; www.jamfactory.com.au) is packed with the work of local craftspeople and designers. They also do glass blowing demos.
Sleep It's part of Adelaide's charm that Provence-style villas are just a short, leafy stroll away from the heart of the city. Check out Mallyons Executive Villas (8 Flinders St.; 61 (438) 113 783; www.mallyons.com) for a quiet space of your own.
Within two hours The real reason many people come to Adelaide: wine, wine and more wine. All the big names lie north, south and east (see www.southaustralia.com). Or for sips plus animals, head to Kangaroo Island (www.tourkangarooisland.com.au).
BRISBANE
If it was Canadian, it would be a mix of Vancouver and Victoria. Brissie is all about lifestyle, minus the hippies: There are 500 kilometres of bike routes - some floating on the meandering Brisbane River - lots of parks and not much of a winter to keep people indoors. Southerners say it's sleepy and parochial, but they keep moving here.
Do it like a tourist Hop on the sleek catamaran fleet called CityCats (all-day tickets start at $4.80; www.transinfo.qld.gov.au) for killer views that are the morning commute for many locals, then swim at the man-made beach at South Bank Parklands. It's corny, but beautiful.
Do it like a local Take off your shoes for a game of barefoot lawn bowls at the Merthyr Bowls Club (60 Oxlade Dr., New Farm; 61 (7) 3358 1291; merthyrbowlsclub.com.au). It's one of the few places on the river where you can enjoy a beer while chatting with locals and learning the finer points of the game. A hidden gem.
Definitely don't tell locals you prefer the South. And any points you might win are totally nulled if you pronounce the "a." It's Bris-bin.
Party It's Fortitude Valley (a.k.a The Valley) or bust. Impress the fashionable crowd by finding the nameless black entryway to The Bowery (676 Ann St.; 61 (7) 3252 0202; www.thebowery.com.au), recently named Australia's best bar.
Eat Asian-Australian fusion is a mainstay, but for something a little different, snag a stool at Anise (697 Brunswick St., New Farm; 61 (7) 3358 1558; www.anise.com.au), a tiny French restaurant with one of the best wine lists in town.
Shop Insiders head to inner-city Paddington for an eclectic mix of couture, quirk and antiques. The colourful handmade lamps at Thousand Island Dressing (137 LaTrobe Tce; 61 (7) 3367 8288; www.thousandislanddressing.com) might be hard to fit in a suitcase, but I can usually find room for some of the playful beads on sale here.
Sleep Fittingly for a town nicknamed BrisVegas, the Conrad Treasury Hotel (Queen St. Mall; 61 (7) 3306 8888; www.conradtreasury.com.au) is a casino-hotel complex created from converted government buildings.
Within two hours Drive south to the Gold Coast for theme parks, surfing, Gucci and tacky souvenirs. Go north for a more relaxed time on the Sunshine Coast - if you can get there before the developers transform it.
Sidetrips
Canberra The nation's capital, located halfway between Australia's two biggest cities, is orderly, clean and full of bureaucrats. Sounds familiar, except it's also the country's porn-industry headquarters.
Darwin Up north and populated with friendly, sometimes kooky, frontier types, this Yellowknife of Australia has been destroyed twice: by Japanese bombers in 1942, and by Cyclone Tracy in 1974.
Hobart The capital of Tasmania is a lush ocean city, its people staring down brutal Antarctic winds with good humour and a healthy dose of local wine. Kind of like St. John's, with different accents.
Perth A vibrant city riding the riches of state resources, it most closely resembles Calgary. Surrounded by brutal, raw landscapes, it's the most remote capital city in the world.
ICONS
The Bridge, the House and the Rock Harbour Bridge and the opera house are in Sydney. Uluru (or Ayers Rock) is in the middle of nowhere. All are grandly beautiful and make us Aussies proud to the core (even if we grumble about them stealing the tourism limelight).
The animals Native species are just plain kooky. Marsupials (pouched mammals) range from one inch tall to more than six feet. Cassowaries are large birds with dinosaur-like ridges on their heads. And don't get me started on the platypus ...
The Tim Tam A cookie held in near-religious esteem. Actually, it's a sandwich made from two chocolate cookies and chocolate fondant - then it's dipped in chocolate. Heavenly.
ODDITIES
Roadside attractions Someone, somewhere, decided Aussie highways were perfect for one thing: to be decorated with oversized fruit and novelty items. There's the Big Pineapple, the Big Prawn, the Big Guitar, the Big Rocking Horse and the Big Banana. And that's just for starters. Vegemite A savoury spread made from yeast extract. Looks, smells and tastes like the gunk left over from beer production, which it basically is. Australians love it, and eat it from the moment they're born (or thereabouts).
Deadly things Sure, our critters can be ugly, spiky, deadly or all of the above. But there's an upside to being surrounded by snakes, spiders, sharks and poisonous plants: scoffing rights when you get home.